...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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