Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
