if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
