So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
