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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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