Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize