I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
