I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
