pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My vagina just recognized that song.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
