I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize