I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
