His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
