I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
