There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
