they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
