I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
