I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
