I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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