Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
