Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A+ Viking dick
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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