oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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