You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
