Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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