my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
