i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
