that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I made him laugh his dick is mine
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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