can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
