the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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