What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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