I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
