(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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