i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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