...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
