I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
