Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
