I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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