I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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