The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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