i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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