Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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