I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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