things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Randomize
