If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he thought i was a dude.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
