Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
