I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
