Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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