do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
