the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
