I'm lost and stupid without you.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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