So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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