Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
