You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
