I hate your face
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
