My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Come see our sink grown plant.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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