And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Actions speak louder than pants.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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