Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
