apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Semen is not good for contacts.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize