She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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