im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
