WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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