this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize